I’d tell her that money doesn’t fall off trees. Stop clawing my rug. You’re actually ruining my nice things. “This is why we can’t have nice things” was written 100% about children and pets. They are the reason why my apartment looks aggressively utilitarian. I love my cat, don’t get me wrong, but god damn, everything turns into a scratching post, what even is her scratching post criteria? I’m not entirely certain of it but I’m sure it includes the following:

1. It must cost at LEAST 60% of my owners paycheck OR be of significant sentimental value to him (urn with parents ashes, wedding suit, picture of late/close friends, etc.)

2. It needs to be audible when I scratch it, so that even when he’s not in the room, he knows what I’m doing.